Doug Mirabelli was kind of a dick and definitely did not make many fans in during his short stint in San Diego due to his antics and sour attitude. He was Wakefield’s personal catcher for a while out in Boston which is pretty cool though. This little “day in the life” article floated around online a few years back and still cracks me up. Enjoy.
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9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed
9:01 lets out blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands-farts 5 more times
9:03 drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge
9:05 take out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for 3 he picked up last night
9:15 grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone
9:17 takes a dump
9:22 sings Van Halen in the shower
9:25 shaves and leaves his goatee
9:30 takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror-screams out loud “Dougie is going deep tonight ”
9:45 puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tanktop and gets ready to leave
9:50 grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he’ll see them tomorrow
9:57 pulls onto Rt 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring- cuts three people off-gives the finger to all three people
10:15 pulls into Fenway park- tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in
10:16 puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his families’ life if there is one scratch on his truck
10:22 walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a ho-mo for the the first time time today and 350th time this month- asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni
10:27 takes a shit- leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by
10:30 gives Nomar a deadleg and calls him a homo
10:33 stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him
10:37 goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Tim Wakefield
10:45 takes Pokey’s headphones off and steps on them- says until he is hitting .250-no music.
10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says “Is Dougie DHing the first game ”
10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling
10:55 Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this : 375 72 Hr’s 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K’S
11:17 writes back response to to fan’s Letter “Hey Pussy, I don’t wear batting gloves because they are for pussies like your boyfriend Nomar ”
11:30 Walks out to batting pratice with a tantkop on
11:45 after no stretching steps into the cage- ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure
11:47 takes 25 cuts- hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8
11:48 calls the batting practice pitcher a h-omo and tells him to go baang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike
11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie- calls him a pickle smoker
12:00 Dougie’s daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci’s arrives
12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar’s locker
12:15 Tito posts lineup- Dougie sees he is not the DH- Calls Francona a pussy. Francona runs behind Schilling
12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror- announcing “Dougie is going deep tonight ”
12:45 Takes a shit- uses Nomar’s 350 dollar silk shirt to wipe his ass
1:05 game starts – Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling
1:25 Dougie announces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar.
1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in- Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at Trenton (minor league) by 7 tonight
1:55 Dougies 4 fenway franks arrive- pays with Nomar’s credit card
2:15 finishes shopping with Nomars credit card- maxed it out at Auto Zone
2:30 dozes off
3:30 sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suuuck except for him and Wakefield
3:33 annouces himself ready to pinch hit
4:30 sox lose game- Dougie tells Francona he should have DH’ed him-Francona runs away
5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for pussies
5:30 Dougie takes Batting Practice again- refuses to bunt
5:33 Dougie hit 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair- 11 foul- all pulled- he missed 15 pitches
6:00 Dougie see name in lineup- calls Fancona a pussy for batting him 9th – Francona hides behind Schilling
6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup
6:25 announces that Dougie is going deep tonight
6:30 dinner arrives- 2 steaks from the Capital Grille- Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar’s locker- makes Derek Lowe eat the fat
6:35 Dougie gives D Lowe an atomic wedgie
7:00 tells Wakefield the show some balls tonight and don’t throw anything in the dirt
7:10 scoreless first- Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching
7:25 Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep
7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher- tells him he is a pussy and he is taking him deep
7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall- coasts into second. almost gets thrown out
7:31 tells pitcher his fastball sucks- tells shortstop and second baseman that he didn’t get all of it-
8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third- third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie
8:16 fans boo Dougie
8:17 Dougie tells family of 4 to fuck off and steals some kids hot dog on way to dugout
8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he it into a doubleplay- he did not want to run the bases anymore
9:10 Dougie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs- calls pitcher- catcher and ump all pussies
9:30 9th inning – Dougie is exhausted- walks out to the mound and calls Embree a pussy and tells him to just bring the heat- Dougie wants to get home
9:50 Dougie showers- and walks around the clubhouse naked- tells the Globe’s Dan Shaugnessy and Gordon Edes to blow him
9:55 Dougie shaves – and leaves a goatee
10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike- calls him a h-omo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse
10:10 cuts off 4 redsox fans- gives the bird to everyone near him
10:25 arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Rt 1
10:45 sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3
12:00 stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn- goes for a dip in his above ground pool
12:10 leaves tighty whitey’s on his neighbor’s windshield
12:15 walks into house naked and screams “who saw my bomb I hit tonight???”
12:30 wakes up whole neighborhood
12:45 takes 35 swings naked and orders porn
12:55 pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie
1:15 Dougie passes out on couch
ninety feet of perfection. 